“Accountability” will be a theme hammered home to anyone in recovery from any form of addiction.
But what does it look like? Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines accountability as this: “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.”
In other words, it’s the ability to be transparent with another person regarding your behaviors.
For professionals with reputations, security clearances, or leadership roles, porn addiction isn’t just personal. It can become a career liability.
Table of Contents
- What Accountability Really Means: An Honest Perspective
- What Accountability Is Not: How Dishonesty Shows Up as “Minimizing” and “Justifying”
- The Three Circles Recovery Model: A Simple Boundary System That Works
- Why Accountability Can’t Happen Alone: The Power of Groups and Feedback
- Build Your Accountability Team: Layers of Support That Fit a Busy Career
- Accountability Starts With You: Integrity, Truth, and the Willingness to Be Known
- Meet the Author
What Accountability Really Means: An Honest Perspective
As both a therapist specializing in porn/sex addiction as well as a person in recovery for more than twenty years, I can share what I’ve seen.
First off, I think it’s important to know what accountability is not to help better clarify what healthy accountability looks like.
Dishonesty tops the list for me.
When we (people in recovery) are dishonest, this skews how others can help you and how you can better help yourself.
Dishonesty can be bold-faced lies, but they’re often more subtle half-truths such as minimizations or justifications for one’s actions.
What Accountability Is Not: How Dishonesty Shows Up as “Minimizing” and “Justifying”
For example, I’ve had clients report that they never thought masturbating to images they find on Facebook or other social media posts should count as a break in their sobriety since it’s not pornography.
While I agree it’s not porn, I also challenge them with this thought, “It’s not what you’re looking at per se, but why?”
This mindset is similar to the notion of a “dry drunk”.
An alcoholic can be sober in the sense of having a long period of abstaining from alcohol, but nothing has really changed from within.
If anything, the person can become more irritable, caustic, and negative due to the impact of giving up his drug of choice.
The Three Circles Recovery Model: A Simple Boundary System That Works
Using the three circles boundary list model which originated from the SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) 12 Step Group is a helpful tool for porn/sex addicts.
This is a good way for people to list areas where they need to be accountable when it comes to their sexual behaviors.
The inner circle is like a red light in traffic – a hard boundary the addict does not want to cross (e.g. looking at pornography, paying for sex, casual hook-ups).
The middle circle (like a yellow light) is a boundary that helps people pay attention to any stressors that can make one vulnerable to breaching their inner circle.
- physical (e.g. hungry, tired)
- emotional (sad, anxious)
- relational (partner, friends, etc.)
- environmental (social media, bars, certain neighborhoods etc.)
Just like a yellow light, these boundaries mean more nuanced choices, but the commonality is “proceed with caution” when caught in the middle circle.
The outer circle (like a green light) includes healthy behaviors one can engage in that promote physical, emotional, spiritual, or relational growth.
Besides just acknowledging when one has crossed the inner boundary, you can see how the middle circle challenges addicts to be brutally honest with oneself when it comes to other areas of vulnerability.
While it may be easier to admit when one has relapsed to pornography, it can be much harder to acknowledge to self and/or others that you are vulnerable to relapsing because you feel insecure.
But this is what healthy recovery and a growing emotional intelligence demands.
Why Accountability Can’t Happen Alone: The Power of Groups and Feedback
Accountability also does not happen in a vacuum.
An addict cannot be accountable to just themselves and call it good.
There’s a reason why groups (12 step groups, men’s groups, group therapy, church recovery groups, etc.) are effective. When people commit to grow and heal in a group, there’s an accountability factor that can’t be reproduced in isolation.
First of all, groups offer a certain level of shame reduction as you find other like-minded individuals dealing with the same issue.
Additionally, in healthy groups, members learn to be willing to open themselves up to feedback from others. They are willing to be accountable to the group.
Despite fears that may come from being in a group (i.e. the fear of judgement, rejection, etc.) when reporting relapses or struggles, they learn over time the safety a group gives to them.
Healthy groups not only provide safety but encouragement, consistency, and the group’s unwavering commitment to the individual no matter their circumstances.
Build Your Accountability Team: Layers of Support That Fit a Busy Career
For myself, I’ve found an online 12 step group comprised of other therapists in porn/sex addiction recovery.
This has been a Godsend as I feel an extra sense of identification with the group members. Not only are they people in recovery with my same addiction, but we have a collegial atmosphere of understanding being in the same industry.
I always say when it comes to accountability, “the more, the merrier.”
Besides this group, I also have a couple of close friends whom I can honestly share my struggles with. This is important to me because they know my life (i.e. they know my wife and son, my wider family dynamics, etc.). When I feel stressed or vulnerable due to a relational issue such as a blow-up with my wife or my son, I can easily go more in-depth with them.
My friends are also in town. So unlike my online group, I can have in-person interactions with them such as going out for coffee or chatting with them at church.
Accountability Starts With You: Integrity, Truth, and the Willingness to Be Known
But at the end of the day, and this may sound paradoxical, accountability is dependent on you and not others. Here’s a few ways to test your personal accountability commitment.
- Do you have the desire to live in truth?
- Do you have the willingness to break out of denial and accept that sometimes confrontation is needed?
- Do you seek to live in integrity – not simply for others per se – but because it’s something you want above all else?
As you can see, accountability starts and ends with the individual.
But it also encompasses the need for others.
For example, online accountability means choosing transparent digital habits with an accountability partner, so your private clicks can’t quietly become professional consequences. This vulnerability allows others into your life and vice versa.
Growth and healing happens not in isolation but in communion with those around us.
Meet the Author
Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, CSAT faced his personal porn addiction head-on in 2001.
Now he’s sharing his story in his books and spoken word poetry.
He enjoys a full, purposeful life as a husband, dad, author, motivational speaker, and practicing therapist in Seattle. He specializes in multicultural challenges and compulsive sexual behaviors including porn addiction.
You can also follow his column in Psychology Today.
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